A Battle Of Elephantile Proportions

It all started after church one day when we went to visit my grandmother before we headed off to do our regular Sunday routine. It was a quick and pleasant visit and while I was busy chatting it up with my grandma, my foolish brother in law started sneakily snapping pictures of all the baby photo's of me, my sister and my cousin that were up on the walls.

When I noticed what he was doing he admitted that he was going to place them on the Facebook. Although he had said it, I really didn't think he would be silly enough to do it since he knew that I knew that his mother has literally shit loads of pictures of him when he was a baby. Some cute, some adorably cute and some not so adorably cute.

As he was snapping, I was already plotting in my brain where I could find his baby pictures in case he was so bold as to actually post what he had pictured. A few days had gone by and nothing was posted so I thought it was over. And then BAM! I see this;



Yeah, not so bad right? That's what I thought too until I seen the caption, "AWWWWWW the lil big foreheads..." I was cut deep. Not to mention the photo he took of my little cousin also went up with the caption: "Let the baby pic wars begin!" (pictured below)



Clearly he desired a battle and me being the competitive young chap myself, I accepted his challenge and on the same night of his first post I began rummaging my computer files remembering that my husband had a few shots lying around. My husband made it perfectly clear that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with this war and I gave him my solemn word that he would remain clear of my attacks, that I would not involve him in any way including asking him for pictures. As I rummaged, I stumbled across a most delightful picture captured almost impeccably of a young man standing tall and proud...



It was my first retaliation picture and it felt good to attack. I suppose I might have come off a bit strong and a part of me knew that it would either provoke an epic battle or an epiphany on his part causing him to withdraw from a battle he secretly knew he wouldn't win. And that's what it was. I think he kind of knew where this was heading. Besides, who starts a baby picture battle with no intent to embarrass?

Either way, I thought I had won. I thought it was over. I scanned and scanned my brain repeatedly searching for any baby pictures I might have left at my in-laws house knowing that I hadn't, knowing that the only pictures I had there were all mainly post-mother pictures and those weren't part of the war. It was only baby or little kid pictures of us so I felt like I was covered.

Nevertheless, on the offset chance that he would "stumble" across some un-flattering pictures of myself I went over to his humble abode and searched his mother's archives for an album exclusively filled with all pictures "Ish". I had my husband's camera and snapped away at his own baby pictures just in case he wanted to continue battle.

A few days had passed and there was nothing else posted so I assumed victory. Boy was I wrong. I came to work on Wednesday, logged onto the Facebook and found this little number with a tag of me on it...



A darling little picture I never knew existed. I was shaking with embarrassment. There I was assuming victory and there he was positioning himself as the ultimate victor. As I sat there blinded by confusion and that literally cheesy smile, I vowed vengeance. On my lunch hour, I called my grandmother and told her I had to stop by my house first to take care of some business before I went to her house for lunch. I sped home, jumped on my computer and started searching for another picture of my opponent. Although I had a large array of embarrassing shots, I did not want to go straight for the jugular right away. I wanted to pace myself and not use up all my good ones first. So I opted for this one...



A fancy little number I am certain shot sometime around New Year's Eve. Not too bad, not too good right? I knew I still had some good ammunition, and I was certain there was no POSSIBLE way he could have gotten another picture of me. I was wrong. No sooner than I posted this, he posted this....



I started to wonder who would betray me in such a way. Who was the traitor, the deceiver, the mole that was giving away my precious secret shames including this one a picture taken circa 1986 that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, " A face only a mother could love..." I was completely mortified. I don't even remember taking this picture, at least I remember seeing it though. The moment this picture was posted was the moment this war had taken a turn for worst. I was being defeated, attacked from all ends and my dignity posed as soldiers were being killed off left and right but still wanting to hold on to my "FINISH-HIM" pictures, I posted this one....



A sexy little thing he was and still is. And although I had given my absolute word I would not attack any innocent bystanders in this war, my foe had gone too far going straight for the kill with his last post and despite the fact that I still felt like I had lost this round with this picture I posted and being told so by a fellow comrade, I promptly posted this picture to redeem myself...



It was a photo I wanted to save till the end but was forced to put it up sooner. At this point I felt for sure it was over. How many more pictures could he possibly have of me, and if he had more who was giving me up? Secretly worried that since he already had those two previous pictures of me, the chances of him having more could be either really good or really bad. Had he used up all his "jugulars"? I knew I hadn't and made it clear that it was his move next.

Shortly thereafter, my husband advises me that there were new developments stirring on the Facebook. I log on and see this little portrait taken in the 8th grade...



A picture that I had always been secretly ashamed of, embarrassed of, mortified of, humiliated by. Why? The other pictures I was a child, really had no control over what I wore or how I dressed, this picture was something I kind of had control over. Either way, he cropped out my pretty awesome chola nails and I think that's what pissed me off even more. The part I always liked most of this whole entire photograph was cropped out! I privately screamed, "OH HELL NO!!" and finally posted one of my, "FINISH-HIM" pictures...



He was always a pleading fellow. His response...



Not that bad and not that good either. However I was still very much scarred and bitter from the previous assaults so I posted one more jugular in retaliation to his previous advancements...



By far my favorite of the entire war. It wasn't my most strongest ammunition, those will be saved in case we ever have to go toe to toe. He retaliated with an ever more embarrassing photo of my daughter and I asleep on the couch with my stomach showing in it's semi-full glory and my double chin chiseled for the world to see. He broke the rules with that snapshot so I promptly deleted it and warned him of the RULES he instated from the beginning. That was definitely a road neither he nor I were ready to travel down. Post-children pictures around our parts are NOT lacking in abundance nor verguenza.

It was definitely fun while it lasted. The excitement was unmatched, the entertainment was unyielding and my bravery in leaving all the tags to my profile commendable. A battle sure to go down in history and I have documented it for those of you who give a rat's ass.