Please Don't Pity My Insecurities.......

I never was one for material things. Never had a silver spoon and I kinda convinced myself as a kid that being on welfare, not having new school clothes, having to steal uniforms for school, having to steal bus money for school, no lunch or lunch money, any moral praise or support wasn't necessary, affection was for babies and I didn't need it was just standard. I avoided thinking about other kids and the things they had because I didn't want to hate myself or the cards I was dealt. I just dealt with what I was given. I really had no other choice. I remember my step-brother & sister (at the time) use to come back from their weekends from being with their mother with bags full of things and my sister and I would just hope they would share.

I remember the ONE time I did feel proud of myself growing up was when I was asked to take a test for the GATE program because a teacher had seen my potential and I took the test. I felt I did really good and when my mother received the results of the test, they had sent us the results of another little girls test, her name started with S or something like that , and she hadn't passed. They had mixed up our papers. I will never know if I passed that GATE test because my mother never bothered to investigate. But since then I knew that I had no one to stand up for me. I had no one that had my back. Or maybe she DID investigate but didn't have the heart to tell me that I really didn't pass and in which case I apologize.

I built walls around my humility. I hid them and then before I knew it I really didn't care about those things anymore. Time healed all previous wounds of desire. Desire of material things, desire of wanting a real mother, a real father, a real family, a real life. I made my own world for myself and in my world I deserved these simplicities. Even though I never got them, I still deserved them. And I guess in my brain that's how I began to process these things, that I didn't deserve them. That maybe since I was born to a couple that wasn't meant to be that I too was not meant to be. That I was unworthy of these things. As ridiculous as that sounds I was a kid and that's how I interpreted my life.

So where would I go from there? I was determined to be everything opposite of my mother. I fought like hell to get into college, struggled and stayed up late at night. Graduated high school with a 1.2 GPA, living at my friends house because my mother had since kicked me out, and then did a rigorous summer program to get into SJSU. And for that, I felt worthy. I worked my ass off during the week, and worked two jobs on the weekends just to feel competent and deserving. Also to keep my mind busy.

Having grown up with this stupid way of thinking it became really hard for me to take compliments or words of praise. Free food or gifts was a no brainer but actual heart felt words were foreign to me. I never got a 'good job' or 'I'm proud of you' or any of that growing up from the one person that should have been saying it so when I do get them now it's kinda hard to accept them as genuine. I feel like they are fake, forced even. Like people feel obligated to say them in fear they might hurt my feelings, offend or insult me.

But lately I have had a 'fuck-it' attitude. It is what it is. I can't be insecure anymore about how I feel towards certain things, about what I didn't deserve then versus what I most definitely deserve now. So what if I did or didn't pass GATE (even though I KNOW I did) I am passing through that gate and I'm closing it behind me. I am good enough. Maybe not to the entire world but certainly for myself.

I will move forward and not harbor childhood regrets and fears. Do my best to not feel insecure cowering inside when someone tells me something nice or downplay myself with a smart ass answer regarding their compliment. Instead I will reply with a simple and sincere thank you. That shall be my New Year's Resolution # 4.