So here is some hilarity - depending on how you look at things - my view tends to be from an asshole angle so I think it's pretty funny. This specific post started about 3 years ago. I start off by saying I told myself I wouldn't take so long to write it but here it is, 3 years later. This past Saturday was his birthday - this coming Sunday marks the anniversary of his passing. And I have still not posted it.
My problem is that I want everything to be perfect. Every word and syllable to be perfect to me other wise no honor or justice is done to the subject....
And now I feel like an ass. I remember why I stopped typing at the w because I just started crying and couldn't bare it anymore. This was a time of drunken stupors and nicotine addictions. A time when I didn't want to feel.
So instead of nitpicking and prolonging, shit I am not even going to proofread it. I am just going to post it.
In its rawest form...
I told myself I would not take so long on this blog. That I would not procrastinate it into oblivion, yet a year later here I am. There are no excuses for the absence I have taken. Although my excuses are excellent and justified I will not indulge them here.
I have lost someone very dear to me. Always was
although his absence would have you think otherwise. It has been just over two
months and it still feels like yesterday the last time I seen him.
My relationship with him was a very special, personal, private, estranged, deranged, intimate, endearing, loving, close & sometimes an honest one. I blamed myself when he left the first time & the second time but not the third time.
He made attempts to remain in contact & I forced it all the way. At times I felt like I wasn't there enough for him like I should have been even though it should have been the other way around. His calls were burdensome at times because all he would rant about were my sisters and how much I needed to stay in contact with them and call them all the time and protect them and be there for them and remember that all we had was each other.
A complicated man he was. Deep yet shallow. Loving yet hurtful. His words would make you feel like nothing else mattered and that everything could be healed and wiped away with a hug and a kiss. & for the most part it's all it took to make me forget the abandonment he caused in my life.
I miss him dearly and I can't believe he is gone. Just like that. Wiped from my life. And although I don't blame myself for this fourth time that he has left, my heart weighs in heavier than words can ever explain. I don't even know how to complete this post because I feel like I should w.....
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
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